You're the man

Way back in June after Jackson's birthday a funny thing happened to my husband.  We put bubbles in the goodie bags for Jackson's birthday party.  We had a ton left.  To say that Vettori loves bubbles is an understatement.  So John takes Vettori outside to blow bubbles.  They come back in a little later and I notice that Vettori is holding one of the little bubble containers and standing in the living room on the hardwood floor.  I assume it's empty because why would John let her have it otherwise.  Apparently he didn't let her have it, but put it on a shelf.  It was then that we learned, the hard way, that she is now tall enough to reach that shelf.  So, unless stuff is pushed all the way to the back her fat little hands can it.  So John goes over to get it and her hands are all sticky from the bubbles.  He picks her up to go wash her hands and then slips on the bubbles that he didn't realize she had spilled.  He is holding her with 2 hands so he can't catch himself and just goes down....hard...onto his butt. 

I was laughing so hard that I couldn't speak.  Seriously people, it's really funny when someone falls.  John then says a string of expletives.  I choke out "John...language!" in between gasps from laughing so hard.  He is so mad that I am laughing, but I can't help it and he marches off to go up to our room.  When he walks away, I notice that his butt is soaking wet with bubbles.  Naturally, I laugh harder. 

Jackson is now talking about himself in the 3rd person.  A lot.  And he does not just say Jackson but Jackson Jones.  "Jackson Jones doesn't like that."  "Jackson Jones wants a freeze pop."  "Jackson Jones did not make that mess."  It is quite comical. 

Here are some other comical quotes and discussions that have happened in the Jones house over the last few months:

--John and I were talking about something over dinner at the Hard 8 Barbecue.  I'm not even positive what we were talking about.  I'm pretty sure that he said that he told me something and I couldn't remember having the conversation and so I said to him "maybe you and your girlfriend were discussing that because it definitely wasn't me."  John and my mom both laugh and Dominick looks mortified.  I look at Dominick and tell him that I was just joking and Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend.  He then says "thank goodness because I couldn't handle 3 moms and 3 dads."

--Jackson has been learning about opposites at pre-school so during dinner at our house we were talking about what things that we see that are opposites.  We go through pretty much everything that I can think of so I say "Daddy's hair is dark and Mommy's hair is.....?"  And Jackson replies, "which part the top or the bottom?"  I guess that is my cue to get my roots done.

--At lunch after Dominick's baptism he is saying how he is a man.  John and his friend Shorty are giving Dominick a really hard time about it.  Asking him if he shaves or drives a car and then saying that he isn't a man.  This goes on for a while and Jackson leans in and says "I'm a man.  I'm a man who eats pizza."  And then takes a big bite of his pizza and tosses the remainder on his plate. 

--We are getting out of the car to go into the daycare and Jackson asks if he can take his toy with him.  I said "I'm sorry buddy but you need to leave it in the car."  Jackson responds with "well, sorry isn't helping me right now.  Is it mom?"  First of all, I'm not sure how to handle all of that attitude.  Second, how do you even respond to that?  Because, really, he is correct.

For the most part our kids are really sweet to each other and they take care of each other and have each other's backs, with the exception of when they are beating the crap out of each other (I'm joking...kinda).  The other day Vettori shared some fruit snacks with Jackson and he looked at her and said "you are my favorite baby" and kissed her.  And my heart melts.  Jackson is overly loving, in fact, he kisses Vettori and me a lot.  To the point that sometimes it borders on making out.  I think it's super sweet....John thinks it's inappropriate.  That is not quite how his relationship with Dominick goes though.  He loves his brother to death but he shows it more with picking at him and driving him crazy.  He will do just about anything to get Dominick's attention.  Last night Jackson comes runny down the stairs and is yelling "bubby (Dominick) hit me, bubby hit me."  John and I are in the kitchen so we can't see him, but we can hear him.  So he rounds the corner into the kitchen and comes into view and exclaims once more "bubby hit me!"  He is wearing two huge green hulk fists.  We just shook our heads and told him to go back upstairs and play.  I guess it doesn't occur to a four year old to get rid of the evidence of who started the altercation before you go tattling on your brother. 

My phone takes some seriously bad pictures but here is an older one of Jackson wearing a batman cape (yes his glasses are on the outside) and the hulk fists that I am speaking of.  When you hit something with them they say "you're making me angry.  You won't like me when I'm angry."  As you can see it was obviously bubby that started the hitting.

Until next time......

The gift that keeps on giving

When you go to the zoo and come up on the lions, what does your first instinct tell you to do?  Did I just hear you say flash them?  Yes, I did?  Well you are in good company, because that's exactly what Potty Mouth did.  We walked up to the lions and she lifted her shirt and said "Rrrrroooaaarrr" in her tiny little high pitched voice.  As she is 19 months old, I'm not sure what she was thinking.  Maybe she thought it was Mardi Gras and they would throw her some beads.  Maybe she wanted to show them her plump tummy and taunt them with what a tasty little treat she would be.  Maybe her Daddy is in trouble when she is older....ok, he is definitely in trouble when she is older.  I have no clue what prompted it, but I did take a picture.  She is a cutie. 

When you ask Jackson a question you better brace yourself, because the answer is frequently off the wall and funny.  I always say that Jackson drives his own car in his own lane.  He just does whatever makes him happy with complete disregard of what other people think.  Things are cool because he says so.  It is great.  The other day we were singing Itsy Bitsy Spider over and over because PM loves that song.  Jackson will not have an itsy bitsy spider, he has to have a Big Old Spider and he does his hands accordingly.  John asked Jackson why the girls have the little spiders and the boys have big, ugly spiders and he shrugged and said "I don't know....pirates?"  So from now on when you don't have an answer just say pirates.   We just looked at each other and had no response.  Mission accomplished. 

We just got back from visiting my parents in Pennsylvania.  While we were there, my mom called Vettori, Miss V.  Jackson asked why she would call her her that.  And she said something on the order of, because her name starts with V so she is miss V.  And then she followed up with "so we could call you Dr. J because Jackson and Jones starts with a J."  And he said "and we will call you Dr. Pork Chop."  I was laughing so hard.  Once again, we were speechless and he once again, proved my point.  Buckle up friends, who knows where that Jackson train of though is going.

Another thing worth sharing also happened while we were in PA.  Jackson, Potty Mouth and I were shopping in Rite Aid.  I needed diapers, wipes and some face lotion.  The entire time that we were there Jackson was insisting that he get his Gram and Pap a gift.  I would say no and he would try to convince me with statements like "they love me so much and they are so nice, we should get them a gift."  Very sweet....I know.  But the answer was still no.  As I was looking for face lotion, Jackson became very excited and exclaimed that he found what he NEEDS to buy them.  I look up and he is holding this:

I wish I was kidding, but I am not.  My 3 year old picked out condoms.  I don't think you can read it, but the box says "so thyn you'll forget that you're wearing it."  And a 12 pack no less.  Only the best for Gram and Pap.  So, of course, I take a picture of it and promptly text it to my mom (Sue), dad (Gar), husband (John), brother (Garrett) and sister-in-law (Damis), and tell them that Jackson wanted to buy Sue and Gar (yes, my brother and I call my parents Sue and Gar not mom and dad) a present and this is what he picked out.  The conversation then goes as follows:

Damis:  Hahah.  That is hysterical

Garrett:  Aaaahahahah, I think you need to let him but those.

Me:  I wonder how long it will take mom to figure out what they are?

Sue: OMG...I would have laughed hysterically

Me: Garrett said I should have let him give them to you.  I said I wonder how long it would take you to figure out what they were.  I can just see you reading the box with your glasses way down on your nose and you reading over them.

Sue:  I would have thought he bought me gum.  And how did you know that's how I was reading your text...over my glasses.  Oh, it would have been priceless.

Me:  I don't think you need condoms with a 3 year old sleeping in between you

Gar:  It's the thought that counts

John: He's a very giving...caring soul

Sue:  I would have to agree with John.  And alot like his grandfather...SAFETY first.

John:  Now that's funny.

If you don't know my dad, he is a very cautious man, to say the least.  We frequently call him safety Gar.  He is not going to do anything slightly risky or dangerous and neither is anyone else in his presence.

I also find it quite comical that today happens to be my 32nd birthday and I am talking about my parents and condoms.  Totally appropriate for my family. 

Until next time.....

If looks could kill

The kids got their pictures taken at school.  The pictures were done over 2 days and somehow my kids got theirs done both days so I have lots to pick from.  The fact that they were done both days is a good thing because I forgot about pictures and the first day I dressed them for comfort not cuteness.  They looked borderline homeless.  Potty Mouth's outfit resembled pajamas and Jackson was wearing pants that were way too long so they were rolled up and he had a faded Rangers t-shirt on.  The next day I made sure they looked presentable and we got some super cute pictures.  Anyway, back on track.  PM apparently wasn't very into getting her pictures on the first day and this is what I got.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is a little baby mug shot.  Is it not?  Maybe she was just unhappy about getting her pictures taken in that outfit, but I don't think so.  For what other reasons could an 18 month old have a mugshot?  It very well could have been a DUI for getting sauced off of hand sanitizer and driving her John Deer ATV around and possible swearing at law enforcement when they pulled her over (if that statement confuses you then read more about that here).  It may have been an assault and battery charge for the way she beats up her big brothers--that may actually be domestic disturbance since they live together, not sure.  Maybe it was for playing her music too loud and then "resisting arrest" aka refusing to sit in think time (time out) when told.  That one is not unreasonable because right now, PM and Jackson's favorite song is Drink in my Hand (I'm not even kidding and the irony isn't lost on me) by Eric Church and they like to play it loud and they dance and Jackson sings the words.  And she regularly refuses to sit in think time. 

As I said we did get some cute pictures, and here are a couple of them.

My stepson, Dominick, is in 1st grade.  He is a little socialite.  He gets in some trouble for too much talking in class.  When his teacher leaves notes that he is a joy to have in class, but needs to talk to his friends less (or things like that) John makes him write sentences.  It started with the standard "I will not talk in class" and each time he had to do it, the number he had to write increased.  I believe that it began with 10 and it increases by 10 for each offense.  Once he hit a certain number, the length of the sentence started getting longer.  Recently he was in trouble for whistling in class, yes whistling.  Not once, but twice in the same day.  I will inform you that his whistling is BAD.  He is just learning and I'm not sure it can even really be categorized as a whistle.  Anyway, he was "whistling" in class and was told to stop, twice.  When he asked him why he would think it was ok to do that, he said that he just learned how to whistle and it's so cool and he wanted to practice.  And he had no answer to why he would "practice" during class and then do it a second time.  What is even better is that his teacher didn't note that it was twice, but Dominick told on himself because John was using his dad voice and as we've discussed before, Dom doesn't do well with the dad voice (read more about that here).  So he had to write the sentence "I, Dominick Jones, will not disrupt class and will do what I'm told the first time."  So when I got home and asked him why he was writing sentences and he told me all about it.  And he was so cute because Dominick, always the optimist, was excited that John cut the number of sentences he had to write in half because he told the truth, not even realizing that he totally told on himself.

Until next time.....

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Did you guys miss me?  Of course you did!  I mean who else is going to make you look at yourself and think "Gosh, I'm really a great parent compared to her!"  Or if you don't have children, who is going to remind you to take your birth control in a way only my family can?  I said that I was going to be a better blogger in 2012, but no such luck.  Not that my children don't keep me full of stories.

My daughter is unquestionably adorable.  She is also sweet, loving, very smart and....a total diva.  Her looks are beginning to resemble mine as a toddler and her attitude is starting to resemble mine as a teenager.  It doesn't help that everyone treats her like a little baby princess.  All 3 of the boys in my house are wrapped around her fat little finger.  She will slap Jackson in the face so hard that his glasses fall off and when I yell at her he tells me to be nice to her because she is his "special baby" and he doesn't want her to cry or be sad.  He also informs me if I try to discipline her that I am "not very nice" and I should say I'm sorry.  And ususally he hounds me about it until I give in and actually appologize to her. 

A couple of weeks ago at daycare my sweet little diva decided to teach her classmates a new word.  She was trying to put her own shoes on.  She really tries hard and wants to do it on her own.  She loves shoes.  If we go into a store and walk past the shoes we have to stop and try on some shoes because she starts to scream "shoes!  shoes!" and doesn't stop.  Daddy is in Trouble.  Anyway, she was trying put on her shoe and I'm told that she got it on her toes and it fell off and she exclaimed "Oh Shit!"  Apparently it was very clear and unmistakable.   I'm told that they thought she had said it a couple times prior to this but thought that they heard her wrong.  Not this time.  Now, I've never heard her say this, but I kinda wish I would.  She has a tiny little high pitched voice and I think it would be hilarious.  She definitely learned that from me.  I say that word alot.  So much so, that when I was pregnant John used to joke that Shit was going to be their first word.  Jackson never repeated a swear word, but I guess we're not so lucky this time.  Is it bad that I'm happy she used it in the appropriate manner/context?  I'm defintley out of the running for the mother of the year award and it's only March.  I'm considering referring to Vettori as Potty Mouth on this blog from now on.

In addition to having a mouth like a sailor, Potty Mouth (PM) can also hold her alcohol.  There is no such thing as "child proof" in my house.  PM has opened childrens Tylenol and childrens cold medicine.  She can unscrew any lid no matter how tight you put it on...toothpaste, contact solution, my face lotion and carmex are no match for her.  We have to keep things way out of reach because she's also not opposed to climbing up onto things to get what she wants.   So 2 weeks ago I was paying bills and the kids were playing.  Potty Mouth began playing with my work bag.  I went an looked and grabbed the things she shouldn't have....my name stamp so she wouldn't stamp my name on the tile 100 times, pens and markers, and my lotion.  She was playing with my stethescope and my dayplanner and I went back to paying bills.  She left the bag alone to go play with Jackson and all of a sudden I smelled coconut.  I looked up and saw an empty travel bottle of my coconut scented hand sanitizer in her hand, some on the floor and a bunch on her hands and face.  I guess I missed that in the bag, but of course she found it.  So I called poison control.  They said that since it was a travel size it probably wasn't enough to cause major problems, but she would likely become intoxicated and act intoxicated and possibly vomit.  They told me to feed her something sugary and watch her.  So that's what I did.  And she wasn't fazed by it.  So after 30 minutes, we went to Target.  I'd like to believe that she wasn't fazed because she didn't actually consume very much.  However, in another life....a.k.a my late teens and early 20's, I was a professional drinker, so maybe she's just a one year old that can hold her liquor...the jury is still out.  I'm sure we will find out the answer in 20 years.  Who am I kidding, probably 15 years.

While we're discussing inappropriate things that my children say and do, I will share with you my and Jackson's discussion about his penis.  I was getting Jackson's clothes out in the morning before school and he was standing there naked and like a typical male, he was checking out his penis and talking about it.  So I decided to take the opportunity to talk to him about someone else touching him inappropriately.  I was unsure how to breach this discussion with a 3 year old so I said "Jackson, your penis is only for you.  Only you are allowed to touch it.  No one else should touch it and no one should touch your butt either.  If they try to, you tell mommy or daddy right away, because that is very bad."  So he agreed and he repeated the general idea back to me.  And now he's a bit obsessed with it.  That same morning when we got to school and we were getting out of the car, I was saying something about him having fun and he kept saying "and no one will touch  my pee pee or my butt."  If we are going anywhere he reminds me that while we are there no one will touch his pee pee or butt.  He also frequently reminds me that "only Jackson is allowed to touch Jackson's penis."  And yes, he refers to himself in the 3rd person while he's talking about it.  So we also frequently talk about how he doesn't need to talk to his friends about it or strangers about it and only talk to mommy and daddy about it.  I'm sure that in about 10 years when he starts taking "long showers," my husband will be happy to remind me that I'm the one who told him it was okay to do that.

Until next time.....