Excuses are like.....

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't written a post for about 8 months.  Technically I wrote the following post 7 months ago, but never finished or published it.  I really want to try to get back to blogging because it's a super fun way to keep track of all of the funny stuff my kids say and do.  So I am going to start getting back on the horse by posting the one I started 7 months ago.  I realize that is over the top lazy, but frankly, I just don't care.  It's sitting here taunting me.  I can hear it saying..."just hit publish" and "take the easy way out".  I'm totally giving in to peer pressure.  I would make some excuses for my lack of writing, but as my husband says: "I need an excuse like I need an asshole on my elbow."  He really does say that...I can't make this stuff up.  Feel free to use that statement the next time someone gives you an excuse.  I'm positive that your boss will find it hilarious. 

On our way to the Texas State Fair a couple weeks 8 months ago we drove passed a restraunt/bar in North Arlington called Boomer Jack's and I asked John what used to be in that space and John said that he didn't know.  I felt like he should know the answer since he has lived here his whole life and I made that known.  Then he made the following statement: "I'm 33 years old and have been married for 20 of them.  And I have 17 kids.  How the hell do I know about the bar scene."  Yes, I live with a drama queen and her name is John.

I walk into Jackson's preschool class (about 8 months ago now) and there are pictures hanging up that they drew of their families.  I look at the pictures of a couple of the kids that I know and think how cute the drawings of their parents and brothers and/or sisters are.  Then I get to Jackson's and this is what I see

The first round circle with the 2 lines coming from it is labeled "whale".  The second circle with the 2 lines coming from it is labeled "shark".  And the last 2 short lines (no circle) is labeled "part of my mommy's legs."  I guess the bright side is at least I'm recognized.  No John, Dominick or Vettori present on that picture.  I may be half eaten by a shark, but I'm there.  That kid is a mystery.  I have said before that he drives his own car in his own lane and I think that this reinforces that.  And I'm pretty sure he's not going to be an artist.  Who knows though.  Dominick was not a good drawer or colorer (totally a word) when he was Jackson's age and now he draws very well.  So Jackson may surprise us, but I'm not holding my breath. 

Jackson's hair is kind of curly when it's long and it's very thick.  Right now we are letting it grow a little.  In the mornings his bed head is impressive.  This morning A random morning 8 months ago we had the following conversation:

Me:  Jackson your hair is crazy
Jackson:  No it isn't mommy.  It's having a party.

I love that kid.

Most days I am pretty sure that despite my best efforts, I'm jacking my kids up.  I am also sure that their future spouse's will say that exact thing at some point and blame me for any tiny little flaw that they find in them.  I think they are awesome and I am positive that they will all at least have a good sense of humor.  With that said, there are moments that I see a glimmer of hope that maybe we actually have this parenting thing right and also moments that melt my heart.  This morning (actually this morning) Vettori gave my a huge hug that lasted a really long time and when she pulled away she looked at me and said "you're my best friend forever".  Does it get any sweeter than that? 

I know I basically just called this one in, but it's a start.  I will try to do better with the next one...if there is a next one (cue the evil laugh...muh ha ha). 

Until next time.......

You're the man

Way back in June after Jackson's birthday a funny thing happened to my husband.  We put bubbles in the goodie bags for Jackson's birthday party.  We had a ton left.  To say that Vettori loves bubbles is an understatement.  So John takes Vettori outside to blow bubbles.  They come back in a little later and I notice that Vettori is holding one of the little bubble containers and standing in the living room on the hardwood floor.  I assume it's empty because why would John let her have it otherwise.  Apparently he didn't let her have it, but put it on a shelf.  It was then that we learned, the hard way, that she is now tall enough to reach that shelf.  So, unless stuff is pushed all the way to the back her fat little hands can it.  So John goes over to get it and her hands are all sticky from the bubbles.  He picks her up to go wash her hands and then slips on the bubbles that he didn't realize she had spilled.  He is holding her with 2 hands so he can't catch himself and just goes down....hard...onto his butt. 

I was laughing so hard that I couldn't speak.  Seriously people, it's really funny when someone falls.  John then says a string of expletives.  I choke out "John...language!" in between gasps from laughing so hard.  He is so mad that I am laughing, but I can't help it and he marches off to go up to our room.  When he walks away, I notice that his butt is soaking wet with bubbles.  Naturally, I laugh harder. 

Jackson is now talking about himself in the 3rd person.  A lot.  And he does not just say Jackson but Jackson Jones.  "Jackson Jones doesn't like that."  "Jackson Jones wants a freeze pop."  "Jackson Jones did not make that mess."  It is quite comical. 

Here are some other comical quotes and discussions that have happened in the Jones house over the last few months:

--John and I were talking about something over dinner at the Hard 8 Barbecue.  I'm not even positive what we were talking about.  I'm pretty sure that he said that he told me something and I couldn't remember having the conversation and so I said to him "maybe you and your girlfriend were discussing that because it definitely wasn't me."  John and my mom both laugh and Dominick looks mortified.  I look at Dominick and tell him that I was just joking and Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend.  He then says "thank goodness because I couldn't handle 3 moms and 3 dads."

--Jackson has been learning about opposites at pre-school so during dinner at our house we were talking about what things that we see that are opposites.  We go through pretty much everything that I can think of so I say "Daddy's hair is dark and Mommy's hair is.....?"  And Jackson replies, "which part the top or the bottom?"  I guess that is my cue to get my roots done.

--At lunch after Dominick's baptism he is saying how he is a man.  John and his friend Shorty are giving Dominick a really hard time about it.  Asking him if he shaves or drives a car and then saying that he isn't a man.  This goes on for a while and Jackson leans in and says "I'm a man.  I'm a man who eats pizza."  And then takes a big bite of his pizza and tosses the remainder on his plate. 

--We are getting out of the car to go into the daycare and Jackson asks if he can take his toy with him.  I said "I'm sorry buddy but you need to leave it in the car."  Jackson responds with "well, sorry isn't helping me right now.  Is it mom?"  First of all, I'm not sure how to handle all of that attitude.  Second, how do you even respond to that?  Because, really, he is correct.

For the most part our kids are really sweet to each other and they take care of each other and have each other's backs, with the exception of when they are beating the crap out of each other (I'm joking...kinda).  The other day Vettori shared some fruit snacks with Jackson and he looked at her and said "you are my favorite baby" and kissed her.  And my heart melts.  Jackson is overly loving, in fact, he kisses Vettori and me a lot.  To the point that sometimes it borders on making out.  I think it's super sweet....John thinks it's inappropriate.  That is not quite how his relationship with Dominick goes though.  He loves his brother to death but he shows it more with picking at him and driving him crazy.  He will do just about anything to get Dominick's attention.  Last night Jackson comes runny down the stairs and is yelling "bubby (Dominick) hit me, bubby hit me."  John and I are in the kitchen so we can't see him, but we can hear him.  So he rounds the corner into the kitchen and comes into view and exclaims once more "bubby hit me!"  He is wearing two huge green hulk fists.  We just shook our heads and told him to go back upstairs and play.  I guess it doesn't occur to a four year old to get rid of the evidence of who started the altercation before you go tattling on your brother. 

My phone takes some seriously bad pictures but here is an older one of Jackson wearing a batman cape (yes his glasses are on the outside) and the hulk fists that I am speaking of.  When you hit something with them they say "you're making me angry.  You won't like me when I'm angry."  As you can see it was obviously bubby that started the hitting.

Until next time......

The gift that keeps on giving

When you go to the zoo and come up on the lions, what does your first instinct tell you to do?  Did I just hear you say flash them?  Yes, I did?  Well you are in good company, because that's exactly what Potty Mouth did.  We walked up to the lions and she lifted her shirt and said "Rrrrroooaaarrr" in her tiny little high pitched voice.  As she is 19 months old, I'm not sure what she was thinking.  Maybe she thought it was Mardi Gras and they would throw her some beads.  Maybe she wanted to show them her plump tummy and taunt them with what a tasty little treat she would be.  Maybe her Daddy is in trouble when she is older....ok, he is definitely in trouble when she is older.  I have no clue what prompted it, but I did take a picture.  She is a cutie. 

When you ask Jackson a question you better brace yourself, because the answer is frequently off the wall and funny.  I always say that Jackson drives his own car in his own lane.  He just does whatever makes him happy with complete disregard of what other people think.  Things are cool because he says so.  It is great.  The other day we were singing Itsy Bitsy Spider over and over because PM loves that song.  Jackson will not have an itsy bitsy spider, he has to have a Big Old Spider and he does his hands accordingly.  John asked Jackson why the girls have the little spiders and the boys have big, ugly spiders and he shrugged and said "I don't know....pirates?"  So from now on when you don't have an answer just say pirates.   We just looked at each other and had no response.  Mission accomplished. 

We just got back from visiting my parents in Pennsylvania.  While we were there, my mom called Vettori, Miss V.  Jackson asked why she would call her her that.  And she said something on the order of, because her name starts with V so she is miss V.  And then she followed up with "so we could call you Dr. J because Jackson and Jones starts with a J."  And he said "and we will call you Dr. Pork Chop."  I was laughing so hard.  Once again, we were speechless and he once again, proved my point.  Buckle up friends, who knows where that Jackson train of though is going.

Another thing worth sharing also happened while we were in PA.  Jackson, Potty Mouth and I were shopping in Rite Aid.  I needed diapers, wipes and some face lotion.  The entire time that we were there Jackson was insisting that he get his Gram and Pap a gift.  I would say no and he would try to convince me with statements like "they love me so much and they are so nice, we should get them a gift."  Very sweet....I know.  But the answer was still no.  As I was looking for face lotion, Jackson became very excited and exclaimed that he found what he NEEDS to buy them.  I look up and he is holding this:

I wish I was kidding, but I am not.  My 3 year old picked out condoms.  I don't think you can read it, but the box says "so thyn you'll forget that you're wearing it."  And a 12 pack no less.  Only the best for Gram and Pap.  So, of course, I take a picture of it and promptly text it to my mom (Sue), dad (Gar), husband (John), brother (Garrett) and sister-in-law (Damis), and tell them that Jackson wanted to buy Sue and Gar (yes, my brother and I call my parents Sue and Gar not mom and dad) a present and this is what he picked out.  The conversation then goes as follows:

Damis:  Hahah.  That is hysterical

Garrett:  Aaaahahahah, I think you need to let him but those.

Me:  I wonder how long it will take mom to figure out what they are?

Sue: OMG...I would have laughed hysterically

Me: Garrett said I should have let him give them to you.  I said I wonder how long it would take you to figure out what they were.  I can just see you reading the box with your glasses way down on your nose and you reading over them.

Sue:  I would have thought he bought me gum.  And how did you know that's how I was reading your text...over my glasses.  Oh, it would have been priceless.

Me:  I don't think you need condoms with a 3 year old sleeping in between you

Gar:  It's the thought that counts

John: He's a very giving...caring soul

Sue:  I would have to agree with John.  And alot like his grandfather...SAFETY first.

John:  Now that's funny.

If you don't know my dad, he is a very cautious man, to say the least.  We frequently call him safety Gar.  He is not going to do anything slightly risky or dangerous and neither is anyone else in his presence.

I also find it quite comical that today happens to be my 32nd birthday and I am talking about my parents and condoms.  Totally appropriate for my family. 

Until next time.....

If looks could kill

The kids got their pictures taken at school.  The pictures were done over 2 days and somehow my kids got theirs done both days so I have lots to pick from.  The fact that they were done both days is a good thing because I forgot about pictures and the first day I dressed them for comfort not cuteness.  They looked borderline homeless.  Potty Mouth's outfit resembled pajamas and Jackson was wearing pants that were way too long so they were rolled up and he had a faded Rangers t-shirt on.  The next day I made sure they looked presentable and we got some super cute pictures.  Anyway, back on track.  PM apparently wasn't very into getting her pictures on the first day and this is what I got.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that is a little baby mug shot.  Is it not?  Maybe she was just unhappy about getting her pictures taken in that outfit, but I don't think so.  For what other reasons could an 18 month old have a mugshot?  It very well could have been a DUI for getting sauced off of hand sanitizer and driving her John Deer ATV around and possible swearing at law enforcement when they pulled her over (if that statement confuses you then read more about that here).  It may have been an assault and battery charge for the way she beats up her big brothers--that may actually be domestic disturbance since they live together, not sure.  Maybe it was for playing her music too loud and then "resisting arrest" aka refusing to sit in think time (time out) when told.  That one is not unreasonable because right now, PM and Jackson's favorite song is Drink in my Hand (I'm not even kidding and the irony isn't lost on me) by Eric Church and they like to play it loud and they dance and Jackson sings the words.  And she regularly refuses to sit in think time. 

As I said we did get some cute pictures, and here are a couple of them.

My stepson, Dominick, is in 1st grade.  He is a little socialite.  He gets in some trouble for too much talking in class.  When his teacher leaves notes that he is a joy to have in class, but needs to talk to his friends less (or things like that) John makes him write sentences.  It started with the standard "I will not talk in class" and each time he had to do it, the number he had to write increased.  I believe that it began with 10 and it increases by 10 for each offense.  Once he hit a certain number, the length of the sentence started getting longer.  Recently he was in trouble for whistling in class, yes whistling.  Not once, but twice in the same day.  I will inform you that his whistling is BAD.  He is just learning and I'm not sure it can even really be categorized as a whistle.  Anyway, he was "whistling" in class and was told to stop, twice.  When he asked him why he would think it was ok to do that, he said that he just learned how to whistle and it's so cool and he wanted to practice.  And he had no answer to why he would "practice" during class and then do it a second time.  What is even better is that his teacher didn't note that it was twice, but Dominick told on himself because John was using his dad voice and as we've discussed before, Dom doesn't do well with the dad voice (read more about that here).  So he had to write the sentence "I, Dominick Jones, will not disrupt class and will do what I'm told the first time."  So when I got home and asked him why he was writing sentences and he told me all about it.  And he was so cute because Dominick, always the optimist, was excited that John cut the number of sentences he had to write in half because he told the truth, not even realizing that he totally told on himself.

Until next time.....

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Did you guys miss me?  Of course you did!  I mean who else is going to make you look at yourself and think "Gosh, I'm really a great parent compared to her!"  Or if you don't have children, who is going to remind you to take your birth control in a way only my family can?  I said that I was going to be a better blogger in 2012, but no such luck.  Not that my children don't keep me full of stories.

My daughter is unquestionably adorable.  She is also sweet, loving, very smart and....a total diva.  Her looks are beginning to resemble mine as a toddler and her attitude is starting to resemble mine as a teenager.  It doesn't help that everyone treats her like a little baby princess.  All 3 of the boys in my house are wrapped around her fat little finger.  She will slap Jackson in the face so hard that his glasses fall off and when I yell at her he tells me to be nice to her because she is his "special baby" and he doesn't want her to cry or be sad.  He also informs me if I try to discipline her that I am "not very nice" and I should say I'm sorry.  And ususally he hounds me about it until I give in and actually appologize to her. 

A couple of weeks ago at daycare my sweet little diva decided to teach her classmates a new word.  She was trying to put her own shoes on.  She really tries hard and wants to do it on her own.  She loves shoes.  If we go into a store and walk past the shoes we have to stop and try on some shoes because she starts to scream "shoes!  shoes!" and doesn't stop.  Daddy is in Trouble.  Anyway, she was trying put on her shoe and I'm told that she got it on her toes and it fell off and she exclaimed "Oh Shit!"  Apparently it was very clear and unmistakable.   I'm told that they thought she had said it a couple times prior to this but thought that they heard her wrong.  Not this time.  Now, I've never heard her say this, but I kinda wish I would.  She has a tiny little high pitched voice and I think it would be hilarious.  She definitely learned that from me.  I say that word alot.  So much so, that when I was pregnant John used to joke that Shit was going to be their first word.  Jackson never repeated a swear word, but I guess we're not so lucky this time.  Is it bad that I'm happy she used it in the appropriate manner/context?  I'm defintley out of the running for the mother of the year award and it's only March.  I'm considering referring to Vettori as Potty Mouth on this blog from now on.

In addition to having a mouth like a sailor, Potty Mouth (PM) can also hold her alcohol.  There is no such thing as "child proof" in my house.  PM has opened childrens Tylenol and childrens cold medicine.  She can unscrew any lid no matter how tight you put it on...toothpaste, contact solution, my face lotion and carmex are no match for her.  We have to keep things way out of reach because she's also not opposed to climbing up onto things to get what she wants.   So 2 weeks ago I was paying bills and the kids were playing.  Potty Mouth began playing with my work bag.  I went an looked and grabbed the things she shouldn't have....my name stamp so she wouldn't stamp my name on the tile 100 times, pens and markers, and my lotion.  She was playing with my stethescope and my dayplanner and I went back to paying bills.  She left the bag alone to go play with Jackson and all of a sudden I smelled coconut.  I looked up and saw an empty travel bottle of my coconut scented hand sanitizer in her hand, some on the floor and a bunch on her hands and face.  I guess I missed that in the bag, but of course she found it.  So I called poison control.  They said that since it was a travel size it probably wasn't enough to cause major problems, but she would likely become intoxicated and act intoxicated and possibly vomit.  They told me to feed her something sugary and watch her.  So that's what I did.  And she wasn't fazed by it.  So after 30 minutes, we went to Target.  I'd like to believe that she wasn't fazed because she didn't actually consume very much.  However, in another life....a.k.a my late teens and early 20's, I was a professional drinker, so maybe she's just a one year old that can hold her liquor...the jury is still out.  I'm sure we will find out the answer in 20 years.  Who am I kidding, probably 15 years.

While we're discussing inappropriate things that my children say and do, I will share with you my and Jackson's discussion about his penis.  I was getting Jackson's clothes out in the morning before school and he was standing there naked and like a typical male, he was checking out his penis and talking about it.  So I decided to take the opportunity to talk to him about someone else touching him inappropriately.  I was unsure how to breach this discussion with a 3 year old so I said "Jackson, your penis is only for you.  Only you are allowed to touch it.  No one else should touch it and no one should touch your butt either.  If they try to, you tell mommy or daddy right away, because that is very bad."  So he agreed and he repeated the general idea back to me.  And now he's a bit obsessed with it.  That same morning when we got to school and we were getting out of the car, I was saying something about him having fun and he kept saying "and no one will touch  my pee pee or my butt."  If we are going anywhere he reminds me that while we are there no one will touch his pee pee or butt.  He also frequently reminds me that "only Jackson is allowed to touch Jackson's penis."  And yes, he refers to himself in the 3rd person while he's talking about it.  So we also frequently talk about how he doesn't need to talk to his friends about it or strangers about it and only talk to mommy and daddy about it.  I'm sure that in about 10 years when he starts taking "long showers," my husband will be happy to remind me that I'm the one who told him it was okay to do that.

Until next time.....

I need Xanax and Holy Water, STAT!

Well Jackson had surgery Tuesday to put new tubes in his ears and to remove his adenoids.  He was so cute in the holding room before surgery.  They gave him Versed which they called giggle juice and he was so funny on it.  You could see it kick in and he got this big smile on his face.  He started just randomly kissing me and he was swaying side to side.  He was flirting with the nurses.  Everyone that came in the room seemed to ask him if he went by Jackson or Jack.  He would respond with "my name is Jackson Jones...what's your name?" in a total ladies man tone.  He got irritated when I took his glasses when they started wheeling him back and he was giving the anesthesiologist a hard time saying "give me back my glasses, I can't see ANYTHING."  The surgeon (my boss) said that he was a hit and everyone was loving him.  Surgery went great but waking up did not.  He was a maniac.  I thought he was possessed by the devil.  It took 3 of us, including my husband to hold him down to get out his IV and he was screaming that he wanted to leave, but when we got to the car he decided that he didn't want to get into the car.  He was in his pajamas and wasn't wearing shoes and he was trying to run away.  We finally got him in the car, which was a struggle and took both John and I and we stopped to at a gas station to get Gatorade and ice cream.  The entire time John was in there Jackson was screaming to get him out of his seat.  He managed to get his arms out of his car seat straps and I then got out of the car and opened his back door to get him buckled in again and he started slapping me in the face.  I held his left hand that he was slapping me with and tried to get it back under the strap and he made a fist and punched me in the face with his right hand.....I couldn't believe that my sweet baby would do that!  So when John came out I let him try to get him back in and he punched John in the face too....so naturally I felt a little better about the situation.  We finally got him in his car seat and John went to get in his own car to go to work.  John then laughed and told me to have fun as he got in his car and I proceeded to give him the middle finger....mature is the word your brain is trying to find right now.

Jackson screamed the entire 20 minute drive home and then when we got there he decided that he didn't want to go in the house and wanted to stay in the car....yes, the car he so desperately wanted to leave just 20 minutes prior to that.  I unhooked his belt and he quickly got out of the seat and climbed in to the back.  I realized that I was going to have to climb in to my SUV and forcibly remove him from the car.  So I locked the car doors and quickly ran to the house and unlocked the front door and threw the bags inside.  I ran back out to the car, the entire process took about 45 seconds and he had climbed into the front seat and up onto the dashboard and was in a little ball against the window screaming "you can't make me go in."  So I then forcibly removed him from the car and took him inside.  I texted John that I needed and Xanax for me and a priest for him as I was sure we would have to do and exorcism.  He was inconsolable.  I thought ice cream would make him settle down and at least sit but instead he got mad that it wasn't in a cone and picked it up with his hand and threw it at me and then climbed under the coffee table and cried for 30 minutes.  I have never seen anything like this.  Then he literally snapped out of it.  He stopped crying, and looked confused and crawled out from under the table and climbed up on my lap and hugged me and kissed me and asked me to hold him and he was a little angel for the rest of the day.  He even asked me why we were at home and when we got there.  He doesn't remember any of it.  Crazy! 

This one is a little laugh for my friends and family in PA.  I was taking Dominick and Jackson to see a musical and John made a comment about getting them a little culture.  So on our way to Casa Manana Dominick asked me what culture meant.  I started to explain to him that the word culture could be used in different ways and during this I said something about other countries.  Dominick then interrupted me and said "by other countries do you mean places like Ohio?"  I responded by saying "well, alot of people, especially your Uncle Garrett, believe that Ohio is a third world country, but actually it's in the United States."  So my brothers mission is complete....he has talked badly enough about Ohio that a 7 year old thinks it doesn't even belong in the US.

Here's another example my mother's craziness.  First it would be helpful to know that last year Dominick was wavering with his belief in Santa.  He was saying that he didnt' think there was a Santa, but we stood our ground that we all believe in Santa and that his friend or whomever said that was wrong.  So now, back to this year.  I get a bunch of packages on my doorstep from UPS.  I opened a couple that I knew were for the kids from my brother and sister-in-law and a couple that I knew were for John.  But there was one that I was unsure of so I left it in the original box and when I was talking to my mom I asked her about it and she said to open it.  She said that she got it because last year we had a non believer and maybe we could hang this by our Christmas tree to remind him to believe in Santa.  So I open it and immediately start laughing and asked her what we were believing in?  Santa or the beach?  This is what was in the box.

So I describe it to her and tell her that it looks like wood and has glittery starfish on it and all she keeps saying is "that's so stupid" and "that's really gay."  So I asked her if she even looked at it and she said yes, but the picture was little.  She's too much.  I then sent her the above picture with a caption that read "if this doesn't make him believe in Santa, I don't know what will" and she sent me a text that said "OMG...No wonder it was on sale.  I'm going to have to start using my good eye." 

And finally just to get you in the Christmas spirit I wanted to share with you a flyer that I saw for a Christmas Party hanging on a refrigerator.  The top had all the information for the party and the last couple lines were dress code.  I took a picture:

Well, that picture sucks but it says "Dress to impress!  Casual without looking homeless.  No wife beaters!  No saggy pants.  No oversized clothing.  Seriously people....I can't make this shit up.  But on a side note, I thought wife beaters were "casual without looking homeless."  But apparently I was wrong.

Until next time....

Shhh...it's our little secret.

OK people, please don't tell her that I said this, but I'm pretty sure that I'm turning into my mother (Gasp! Clutch Heart! Say it isn't so!)  And while we're keeping secrets, don't tell my husband or brother either, because they are constantly saying this and I'm constantly denying it and I don't want to have to admit that they are correct.  Those words literally taste like vinegar leaving my mouth when I have to say it to them.  I'd like to continue to deny it, but I'm afraid that this post is going to prove it.  I said that I wasn't going to blog about myself, but here I go, doing it again. 

I think that discussing what I did while getting ready for my brothers wedding would be a good place to start.  To set the scene: It was a busy morning.  Jackson slept horribly the night before and didn't get to bed until after midnight because his belly was hurting.  Everyone wakes up in good moods.  The boys go off to the Football Hall of Fame (I was totally jealous) and the girls head to the reception hall to set up center pieces and such and to get our hair done in the brides room.  I didn't bring my stuff to get ready because I thought that I would have to take Vettori back to nap, but the little angel napped there.  So we stayed and helped longer than we thought.  Around 1:00 p.m. my mom, Vettori and I headed back to the hotel to meet the boys and get ready.  They were trying to nap so I did what I could in the dark.  We had to be back for pictures at 2:30 p.m. since we are all in the wedding.  When they got up we got them into their tuxes and Vettori into her dress.  I went to put on my dress I realized it was in my mom's room.  So I ran up and got it and it was very wrinkled from being in my carry-on bag on the plane.  I read the tag and it says "cool iron when necessary."  I say to my mom that I'm afraid that I would burn a hole in the dress and I asked her to set the iron for me.  She sets it and I start ironing.  We're chatting and I get through the back and then turn it over.  It turns out that my mom set it on the highest setting and it took about that amount of time to get hot.  So when I put the iron on the front side by the pocket, it burns a hole in the dress....this was approximately 1:50...40 minutes before pictures.  I gasp and kinda yell "I just burned a hole in my dress" and begin to panic.  My mom then looks at it and gasps herself.  Luckily my mother is a very handy person who doesn't panic and thinks quickly, so she tells me to call the front desk and ask for safety pins or a sewing kit.  And they had a sewing kit so my mom went to work.  Thank goodness or I would have been wearing jeans and boots...I didn't bring much else and I don't sew.  But I am now motivated to learn.  I do find it ironic that I can suture people and do on a regular basis, but I'm intimidated by a dress and a sewing kit, but I digress.

Today  I took some pictures of the dress the way that I wore it and then I undid the thread and took some pictures of the hole for your enjoyment.  It is once again very wrinkled from being in our suitcase on the way home, but you get the idea.

Here's the dress after the patch job.  You can hardly tell, right?

  

A close up of the fantastic job my mom did.

And here's a couple of the hole. 

         Yes, it is singed and crusty around the edges....sexy is the word that you're looking for.

We had a ton of fun at the wedding and reception and all was fine, but it was a close call.  I am not blaming this on my mom (totally) because how can you be holding an iron and not realize that it's hot?  Totally my fault. 

Example 2: On the day of Jackson and Dominick's last baseball games we spent all morning at the ball fields.  Jackson's Tball game was at 9:00 a.m. and Dom's coach pitch was at 10:30.  Sometime around noon or so we start loading up the car.  It was getting hot so I take my cell phone out of the pocket of my sweatshirt so that I can put the sweatshirt in the trunk.  I place my cell phone on the roof of the car.  I put my sweatshirt and the baseball stuff in the trunk.  While I'm getting Jackson buckled in John shuts the trunk and gets in the drivers seat.  I then shut Jackson's door and get in the passenger seat.  We are on our way home (approximately 15 minutes later) and the phone rings.  I ask John if it's his phone or mine.  He says his but I go to look for my phone anyway and it hits me.  I turn to John and say "I think we have a little problem."  I tell him that I left my phone on top of the car and he just shakes his head and laughs at me.  We turn around and go back, but it wasn't in the parking lot or at the desk.  On the bright side, we have insurance and when I called to get it replaced they upgraded me to the 3D phone.  It's pretty cool.

The Sunday before last the Steelers were playing the Ravens.  It's sometime in the 3rd quarter and we've been watching from the beginning.  So to say that I'm very invested in the game is an understatement.  They scan the crowd and lots of terrible towels were waving and I look at John and say "there sure are alot of Steelers fans there."  And he responds, "that makes sense since they are playing in Pittsburgh."  I just shook my head and said "you're going to tell my brother that I said that aren't you?"  And he replied "of course I am."

And last but not least.  Way back in July my brother turned 28.  I sent him a birthday card, but instead of putting his address on it, I put my aunts address.  He has never lived at that house.  It would be kinda understandable if I put my parents address...but my aunts....no clue why I would do that, except I'm losing it a little.  I'm a mere shell of my former self.  I'm pretty sure that during my pregnancies I lost brain cells that I can never get back and I'd be willing to bet that these kids continue to suck more braincells from me daily. 

Who would have thought that the irreversible brain damage didn't happen due to all of the alcohol I consumed in college, but instead by those tiny little humans that call me mom.  Amazing really....especially if you knew me back then!

Until next time....

You're not a girl....you're a mommy.

Have I really not blogged since September 2nd?  For real???  I don't even know where to begin. 

Jackson has had some funny  moments recently.  The other day he was laying on the couch and John was sitting beside him and he started to kick him, not hard, but that annoying little kick over and over again.  John tells him to stop and he doesn't.  So I say, "Jackson stop kicking your dad."  He responds "I'm not kicking him, I'm pushing him with my feet."

Jackson is very into Jake and the Neverland Pirates on the Disney Channel.  He was a pirate for Halloween.  We play Jake and the Pirates all the time.  He has quite an imagination.  He assigns us characters.  He is always Jake.  John is always Captain Hook (which Jackson pronounces Cackan Hook).  This way they can fight and he can yell at John.  Vettori gets to be Izzy...Jake's cute girl sidekick who wears a pink bandanna and hoop earrings and cute boots.  When I ask who I get to be he always assigns me Cubby...a short, kinda chubby little boy who is inept at most pirate things.  Really Jackson?  When I ask why Vettori is Izzy and not me he says "because sister is a girl."  What?  I say I'm a girl and he says no you're a mommy.  I say well I'm not a short chubby little boy and he laughs, tells me I'm silly and says that I have to be Cubby.  Then he proceeds to boss me around and yell at me "Cubby row my boat" or "Cubby go fight Cackan Hook" or "Cubby go get me the treasure map."  And the list goes on and on.  When Dominick is at our house I typically suggest that Dominick be Cubby and Jackson says "no he can be another Jake."  Seriously?  So I usually ask if I can be another Izzy and he tells me no because Izzy is a girl and I'm a mommy.  At least I know my role....and apparently so does he. 

Jackson took his role as pirate for Halloween very seriously.  He was so proud of his costume and very excited that he got to wear it 3 days in a row.  I'm sure we'll be wearing it again soon to the grocery store or who knows.

Here's a cute one of all of them together.   We had the cutest little double scoop of ice cream, the best pirate and the coolest rock star out there.

I was going to get Vettori a little pig or elephant costume because I thought it was super cute since she's a little fatty.  John told me that it was child abuse and it would give her a complex when she's older.  He asked if they were out of crowns and pretty dresses for his chubby baby princess (his words, not mine).  But when I saw the double scoop of ice cream I couldn't pass it up.  Well my cousin's husband apparently doesn't think that those costumes were child abuse because she dressed her daughter, who is Vettori's age, as an elephant.  She also got both of her daughter's ears pierced when they were little babies, which John also thinks is child abuse, so I'm hoping he doesn't call CPS on them...they are 2 for 2 now.

(Sorry the pic is so blurry, but it didn't transfer well from the text message)

Hope you had a Happy Halloween!  This was the most fun Halloween so far.  Jackson was beyond excited about his pumpkin that we carved and Dominick shared his enthusiasm.  They had fun at the pumpkin patch picking them out. 

Their smiles and enthusiasm continued all the way up until it was time to blow the candles inside the pumpkins out at the end of the night on Halloween.  They loved dressing up (3 times) and trick or treating and going to their school Boo Party.  I'm sure it's only going to get better as Vettori gets older and joins in the excitement.

This is them inspecting the pumpkins and fire. 

Even after we went in they were looking through the window at their works of art.

Until next time.....

Have you ever bit your earlobe?

My husband and I rarely fight. We typically have a discussion and make a decision and we move on. We do bicker....for lack of a better term. I used to get onto my parents for bickering all the time and now I do it too. I notice that my brother and his fiance do it as well. I think that it's because it's hard to live with a boy and the result is bickering. Although I am related to the other 2 examples that I used, so maybe it's us, but I really don't think so. I'm pretty sure it has to do with sharing space with someone who has a penis. Anyway, bickering is not the point of this post. It has more to do with the "discussion" that my husband and I had the other day when we were 1200 miles away from each other and talking on the phone. The discussion began many months ago when I wanted to get my daughter's ears pierced and John did not. Since he wouldn't go with me I said I would get my mom to go with me. I think he thought I was bluffing because that is not how we normally deal with disagreements. The last time that my mom was visiting us in June we were very busy and I completely forgot and the same thing happened when I was in PA a couple of weeks ago. Well this time I did not forget and this past Sunday I decided to go do it. I was on the phone with John right before we left and as I was getting off the phone I said I have to go because we're getting ready to leave. He asked what we were doing and I quickly said "my dad needs to go get ink cartridges, we're getting Vettori's ears pierced and getting a birthday gift for my aunt." I was hoping he wouldn't notice since he never pays attention to half our conversations. Not so lucky this time. He got pretty mad, but still managed to start out calm.  When I said I was doing it anyway, he began to yell at me. I don't remember the entire conversation but here's a couple of his big points:

--I can't believe you'd hurt our daughter for vanity
--You're telling her she's only pretty with jewelery on
--You might as well go get her Botox and a boob job
--They are open wounds and might get infected
--Since when is this marriage not a partnership?

There were alot more but those are the ones I can remember currently. I responded by telling him that earrings don't hurt and he's overreacting...probably because he doesn't have sisters. I also reminded him that I have 3 sets of piercings in my earlobe and 1 set in the cartilage, so I have more experience in this situation.  Plus, I got my ears pierced at about 10 months old as well.  This is when he reminded me that before I knew him he briefly had a tongue ring and it hurt like hell.  Yes, you read that right, John Jones had a tongue ring.  That's a whole other conversation that we don't have time for right now.  Anyway, I said that it's not the same and, of course, he disagreed. So I responded with "no your tongue has alot of nerves and your earlobe doesn't. Have you ever bit your tongue...it hurts...have you ever bit your earlobe....no you haven't.  So you can't compare the two." That's where the conversation went downhill fast.

Right about this time my mom puts a piece of chocolate in her mouth and while she's chewing it Vettori kisses her. She gets a little taste of the chocolate and goes crazy. She starts jumping up and down and licking my moms face and lips and trying to shove her tongue into my moms mouth. I start laughing really hard and John thinks that I'm laughing at him and he hangs up on me. Later when I compared getting her ears pierced to getting the boys circumcised (which also is purely cosmetic) he wouldn't hear it and said it wasn't the same.  He also told me that since it is apparent that we now make decisions with complete disregard of the other spouse, he's going to get a vasectomy and he'll find a ride home.  This is the 2nd time that a reference to him getting a vasectomy has come up in this blog.  It probably comes up 1 or 2 times a day in my house.  I'm beginning to get the feeling that he's serious about not wanting any more kids.  I can't imagine why.  After reading this blog and all of the shenanegans that go on in our life, I'm sure you're in total disbelief as well.  Who wouldn't want to add another child to this calmness and serenity that we call life. 

Needless to say, she looks absolutely adorable with her little diamond earrings.  When we got home he appeared to be over it.  He told Vettori that her earrings are beautiful and told me that I'm trashy for getting a baby's ears pierced but he still loves me.  However, now that I'm blogging about it, and basically rubbing salt in the open wound (pun intended) I'm probably in the dog house again.

In the first post of this blog I discussed how my mother tends to say silly stuff and mix up words and thoughts.  Since I posted that in January there have been many of these moments.  But this weekend, she had a really good one.  One of my parents friends was carrying Vettori and she was really loving him.  They have 2 grown sons, neither of which are currently married.  As Vettori is snuggling in to him, my mom says "it will be your turn soon to have a grandchild." And then she says "although, we may have to get him (their oldest son) a wife from the Internet."  Her friend says "like a mail order bride?"  And she says "yes, maybe a good Russian woman."  Then their are some comments made about the physical appearance of this make believe Russian woman.  And then my mom says....wait for it...."I hope you know German."  Everyone looks confused and I correct her and say I think you mean Russian.  For real Sue??  German??

She is not the only one that does this in my family.  I have a younger cousin (you know who you are) that frequently does this.  She has been know to confuse Cuba and Quebec.  But  my favorite is when she commented that she thought Okra would taste more fishy.  When her husband inquired why she would think that, she replied "you know, since it's whale."  He responded very calmly with Okra is a vegetable and Orca is a whale.  He is very nice and calm about it, as is my dad when my mom messes stuff up, however, my brother Garrett is ruthless.  Think before you speak in front of him.  My sister in law, Kristina, recently had a little blunder that is worth sharing.  I believe that they were watching TV (although he could have been studying for his Anatomy class, I'm not 100% sure), but regardless The Vulva came up in conversation and Garrett says "Oh, the vulva." Kristina laughs. So Garrett says "do you even know what the vulva is?"  And she responds "yes, it's the little hangy ball thing in the back of your throat."  No, that's the Uvula.  I'm pretty sure some of you are going to be googling vulva here in a minute and laughing out loud.

Until next time.....

Only brothers fight like that!

We take many trips to the zoo each year.  My kids love it.  Jackson refers to the zoo as going to see "his animals."  One of our trips to the zoo last year was very eventful.  We heard the lion roar and saw a rhino pee, but the part that my boys liked the best occurred with the monkeys.  One of the big monkeys was chasing a little monkey around...and you see where this is going.  Dominick was saying that they were wrestling.  The little monkey was not liking it and kept escaping and then the big monkey would chase her.  Finally he caught her and pinned her down right in front of the window.  All of the other parents were taking their kids away from the window, however, I couldn't get my kids to walk away.  They were laughing hysterically with their little faces and hands plastered to the window.  So I did what every good parent would do and I stopped trying to get them to walk away and I got out my camera and started taking pictures.  Don't judge me.  Dominick kept laughing at the wrestling.  But the best part came at the end when the  big monkey let the little monkey go and we had the following conversation.  "Mommy those monkeys are funny, they must be brothers" says Dominick.  I ask why he would think that and he says "only brothers would fight like that."  Through my laughter, I tell him "yes, you're probably right."

At the beginning of this year on one of our trips to the zoo there was a new baby monkey in the same cage that we witnessed the wrestling.  I think we may have seen that monkey being conceived.  I can't verify that, but I'm pretty sure.  We're going to Austin in a couple of weeks and plan on checking out the Austin zoo.  Hopefully it's just as entertaining.

Conversations with Jackson, or any 3 year old for that matter, are typically very funny.  He will argue with you all day about something that he thinks is correct.  The other day we were in the car and he made a comment about "his baby" (Vettori) and I misunderstood him and I thought he was saying that he was a baby.  So I said "you're not a baby" and he said "no I'm a big boy."  A few minutes later he says "I'm not a big boy, I'm Jackson Jones." I respond with "yes, you're Jackson Garrett Jones." He argues with me "I'm not Jackson Garrett Jones, I'm Jackson Jones."  I say yes you are and we go through this one more time.  I then say "I named you, I think I know you're name," and he argues "you didn't name me."  So I ask him, "who do you think named you then?"  He thinks about it for a minute and then puts his hand up and says "just don't talk to me" and turns his head toward the window.  Really??? Just don't talk to me???  I didn't think that we'd have conversations that ended like that for at least another 10 years or so.  I'm just not sure what to do with that. 

I tend to kill any plant that comes into my house or yard, but I decided that I am going try some gardening.  I'm not sure what grows when in North Texas, so I sign up for a seeds of the month deal where they send you seeds that will grow in your area each month.  Yes, I'm that lazy that I don't want to do any research or have to walk further than my mailbox to get seeds.  Anyway, when I get my first packets in the mail, I'm very excited and I show John.  His response is "I don't know why you would waste money on this.  You don't have a green thumb, you have a black thumb.  You are like the Grim Reaper of plants.  In fact, I think your black thumb even has it's own little tiny sickle."  Thanks for support honey!  Love you too.

Until next time.....