TSA should be renamed LOL. Even OMG would be more appropriate.

The Transportation Security Administration, better know as TSA, is in need of better equipment and manners in my opinion.  I should know better than to expect this from a government agency, but a girl can dream, right?  The TSA website states that they "protect the nation's transportation systems to ensure freedom of movement for people and commerce."  Apparently in some cases, this is protection from explosive latent baby formula. 

Prior to my most recent trip to PA, I looked at the TSA website to see how much formula I could bring on the plane with me.  I was traveling with Jackson (2) and Vettori (4 months) by myself, so I decided to do the single serve cans of Enfamil for convenience so that I wouldn't have to purchase water when I got there and have one more thing to carry.  This is what I found on their website:

 When traveling with your infant or toddler, in the absence of suspicious activity or items, greater than 3 ounces of baby formula, breast milk, or juice are permitted through the security checkpoint in reasonable quantities for the duration of your itinerary, if you perform the following:

1. Separate these items from the liquids, gels, and aerosols in your quart-size and zip-top bag.
2. Declare you have the items to one of our Security Officers at the security checkpoint.
3. Present these items for additional inspection once reaching the X-ray. These items are subject to additional screening and Officers may ask you to open a container.

I stop on my way to Dallas/Fort Worth airport and purchase the formula and have the receipt in my pocket.  So as we get to security, I remove our shoes and coats.  Fold up the stroller.  Take Vettori out of the front carrier and put the carrier with the shoes and coats to go through the xray as well as the stroller.  I also take the 4 cans of formula (4 oz each) that I have in a Ziploc bag out of the diaper bag and put it through separately as my way of declaring that I have it.  I then put the diaper bag and Jackson's book bag through.  We do this so often, we are a well oiled machine at the airport.  Jackson even knows where to stand and what to do.  We walk through the metal detectors and are told that they will do additional screening on my formula, which by the way, are in closed pop top cans.  So far all of this is going as they said that it would. 

Then things go south, FAST.  I am getting on our shoes and such and the male officer says to the female officer "I have ANOTHER positive."  The female officer tells me that she has to pat me down and that I can't put Vettori in the front carrier yet.  They make me put her in the stroller even though I make it known that she is too small for this particular stroller that I was using for Jackson, since she can't hold herself up well and there are no shoulder straps.  They tell me it's the only option.  The lady pats me down and says that I'm fine.  The male officer informs me that my cans (unopened) came up positive for explosives and they were now "his".  The conversation goes like this:

Me: I just bought them on the way here, I have the receipt in my pocket.
Him: I don't care if you bought them 5 minutes ago or 5 years ago, they are now mine.
Me: Can they be tested separately or can I open one for a bottle and you can test the contents?
Him:  I only need one positive to dispose of all of them and I already got it.
Me:  How do you expect me to feed my baby?  She is only 4 months old.
Him:  Where are you going?
Me: Pittsburgh
Him:  They have grocery stores in Pittsburgh.
Me:  No shit asshole, I'm talking about on the plane.  --right now your brain is trying to find a word to describe me and my actions at this point and I'm pretty sure the one you're looking for is Classy.
Him:  I guess she'll just have to be hungry.
Me:  Our plane is delayed another half hour, so you're going to make a 4 month old who ate 2 hours ago (10:30a.m.) wait until we land in Pittsburgh (approx 6 pm if there is no more delay) and then get our bags and get to a grocery store (at least another hour)?
Him:  These are positive for explosives and I'm disposing of them, so I guess so. 
He then walks away.

Here's the thing, they only patted me down, not the kids.  They didn't test my stroller, or even look at it for that matter.  They didn't look in Jackson's book bag or my diaper bag for anything "suspicious."  If my cans of formula are positive for explosives I would assume you would want to look at the diaper bag that I took them out of.  They just let me collect my things and move on to the gate.  Makes me feel safe.  Kinda gives me the warm and fuzzies.  Anyone using DFW airport when this guy is working has no reason to be nervous to fly the friendly sky.  Also, his use of the words "another positive" when speaking to the other officer leads me to believe that I am not the only one this happened to that day.  You think maybe the machine isn't working?

So I guess that everyone can sleep peacefully tonight.  The very diligent TSA officer derailed my evil plan to feed Vettori explosive latent formula in hopes that she would fart fire and ignite some jet fuel causing the plane to explode somewhere over Kansas catapulting us to Oz to see the Wizard.  I guess that I won't get those Ruby slippers after all.  On a side note, on the way back, the TSA people as well as the American Airlines workers in Pittsburgh were wonderful and helpful -- there's no place like home, there's no place like home :)

Until next time.....(cue the evil laugh....muh ha ha, muh ha ha, muh ha ha......)